Fluent in stakeholder management, and can turn vague requests into scarily accurate dashboards. Built half the team's workflows on vibes and somehow made it work.
Makes every meeting better, knows the value of vibes", and can translate SQL into human feelings. Code is questionable, but somehow got commit access to everyone's heart. Can’t explain a DAG, but can de-escalate a fiery Slack thread in under 30 seconds. Master of stakeholder wrangling and team morale. Somehow convinces finance to approve fun budgets. Probably has a group chat with a NSFW name and sends excellent birthday memes.
“No one knows what the Personality Hire does, but morale dips 20% when they take PTO.”
