Guards their "secret metric" like it's launch codes when it's really just page views in a trench coat.
Has the secret KPI that no one else knows about but claims it's the real north star. Guards it like it’s the launch codes. Gets cagey when you ask for definitions, but smug when execs repeat it. If you question it, they’ll whisper “you just don’t get it.”
"Only the KPI Hermit knows what this metric means—and even they look confused."
